Obama spoke first.
"In times of great challenge in our country and around the world, Americans have always come together. George Bush and Bill Clinton will lead a bipartisan fundraising drive for Haiti, leaving me free to be partisan on more important things!
"As Rahm said this morning, 'never allow a humanitarian crisis to go to waste.' A soppy humanitarian effort on Haiti should be good for 3-5 points in the polls!"
"There has been destruction and suffering that defies comprehension, and I'm talking about the affect my agenda has had on the Democratic Party's image.
"These two leaders send an unmistakable message to the people of Haiti and the world. In a moment of need, like mine, I will unashamedly use the predecessors I have relentlessly hammered!
"The people of Haiti need basic foodstuffs, so we will send them arugula from the White House vegetable garden.
"We are moving forward with one of the largest relief efforts in history - for the unions that got me elected!"
Bush spoke next.
"I want to thank President Obama for giving me this opportunity to rehabilitate my image. If I play my cards right, I can be like Jimmy Carter, without the sweater.
"I have a nickname for Haiti: Hate It."
"Heh, heh, heh!"
"Our hearts are broken when we see the scenes of people struggling, bodies on the ground, the physical damage. But that's the state I left the Republican Party in. Sorry about that.
"The most effective way for Americans to help is to give money ... to the Republican Party. Don't send ideas or suggestions ... just send your cash!"
Clinton spoke third.
"I honeymooned in Haiti and I have been the United Nations' special envoy to Haiti for the past year.
"Let me tell you more about myself."
"I feel Haiti's pain. I was in those hotels that collapsed. I had sex in them with people who are now dead. Hmmm, just thinking about it gives me a hard on!"
"I will now suck my lower lip and rattle off details and statistics that will make your head spin, so you'll realize who should have won the Peace Prize."
Obama added, "These two can aid me in the mid-term election."
Bush added, "Laura went to Haiti to oversee our AIDS effort."
Clinton added, "I went Haiti and spread AIDS."