Staff writer, Mark Fisher, assigned to review the new TV show, I Want to Be a Hilton, falls for the star.
Demonstrating grace and an inexorable allure that can only be achieved through practiced decorum, etiquette and an eighty-bajillion dollar bank account, Kathy Hilton, stiffly-coiffed Matron Babe and mother of heiresses Paris, premiered last night on NBC’s newest reality show, I Want to Be a Hilton.
In the show, Hilton leads a group of losers in the dream of being an honorary Hilton for a year and winning $200,000. The 14 wannabes live together in two Manhattan lofts where they grovel, kowtow and generally kiss Hilton’s chilly yet oh-so-enticing rich ass in order to learn social skills of the absurdly rich. Like all reality shows, there’s lots of back-stabbing, pants-dropping and general make-believe bonding when Hilton isn’t around. There’s even some contestant tongue-sucking and a maternal warning from Mama Hilton about brash behavior and the pitfalls of home-made sex videos.
After watching Kathy Hilton demonstrate upper-class etiquette and sternness that I’m hoping leads to corporal punishment in future episodes, I’ve come to one undeniable conclusion: I want to pork a Hilton. The fact that she’s a middle-age hottie and mother of all-world party slut Paris Hilton is turn-on enough … well, that, and the 80 bajillion dollars … but knowing she’s willing to whore her good name for bad TV is irresistible. At some point during the show … and it might have been when Jake, the septic-tank installer from Texas, stared like a drooling zombie into Hilton’s diamond-adorned cleavage … I realized that there’s no way on God’s green earth Paris Hilton achieved her status as Supreme Socialite Slut on her own. Oh, no. Mama Hilton had a hand in that. And from the looks of things, on oft-correcting hand. And now that I know that, I want one of those Hilton women. Oh, yesssss.
As network television goes, I Want to Be a Hilton pretty much sucks beyond description. But the possibility of Kathy Hilton paddling a trailer-trash tart from Tennessee with $3,000 riding crop for drinking Keystone Lite out of a crystal champagne glass gives me reason to live for the next seven weeks. Dare I hope for a Mama Hilton home-made video?